MY PROBLEM

personal post read if you want...



We as people spend almost half of our time and energy trying to figure someone out... trying to become or appreciate a part of who they are because 'we know how they are' it takes out a lot of energy out of someone when doing so but that's not the case. We as human beings have been 'cursed' with the feeling of emotions...and due to our astrological signs our emotions are put into subcategories of which 'who we are' or what at least astrology says that we are (which half of the time my horoscopes and characteristics of a Taurus are actually true). My sign says that I'm stubborn and bull headed and I will admit that sometimes I am.

My problem is that I love too hard, I fight too hard, and I care too much...When you spend half of your time being an social outcast and shutting out old friendships and burning bridges you find that you put up walls , and the people such as family or a friend or two that you do keep close around you, you grow to be very protective and create sense of vulnerability when it comes to them...but also I have to remind myself that we all have their own lives and you cant go on 'protecting' them all the time...you cant put people in a bubble and expect them to be safe all the time that's not how life is or how karma or how WHATEVER is!

Lately I've been really afraid...well not really afraid but nervous about it all...and I know for a fact that, that's no way to live but we've all have been guilty of a moment about being afraid of death...My life is become a big nothing I know that I have a million things to live for but as friendships and family my life is pretty obsolete. I feel like this woman named Traci that was on that OCD Project show on VH1 where if she didn't perform certain rituals everyday that something bad would happen to her son...that's sort of how I feel...I don't have OCD or perform rituals but its like I'm watching myself having an out of body experience like I see myself looking at myself making mistakes and not caring enough or not doing one thing that might have changed someone's emotion or been caring enough or at least showed that I care... and in the future I know that I'll regret it but I don't prevent myself from it...(please don't judge me) I look back at my most recent pictures and none of them are with family or real friends...I believe 100% I put myself in this predicament and I shut everyone out of my life so I'm the only one to blame...and you know how that classic line goes that everyone says "you cant love anyone until you love yourself" well I guess I really take that to heart. I hate the person I am physically and sometimes mentally.

But over the last couple of months I've been trying to change that old person...I cant say that I successfully have changed because I'm doing the same shit...I'm finding the willpower to change I cant keep going on year after year hating myself and closing out others just because I hate myself...or making up some excuse why I'm not doing something great with my life....

I'm sorry for the personal rant/post but hopefully someone can relate...