2/02/2010

THE YEARS OF THE UNKNOWN

Lately I've been questioning myself on what I want to do as a career....(I feel like I talk about this all the time on my blog... which I probably do) I'm 19 years old and I'm about to turn 20 in April. My 20s are suppose to be the BEST years of my life! I've literally spent the last 3 years depressed, hating myself, and having low self-esteem. I'm not blaming anyone but myself but I've realized that I don't want to waste anymore time not being happy... Its hard trying to change when you feel alone trying to do this. Watching people around you be so happy and in love and you seeing yourself living vicariously through other peoples lives and emotions but to only realize that its not your reality (and don't act like I'm the only one that does this!) Mentally I'm just ready for change but physically I'm still stuck... and I don't want to be stuck hopefully before or by my birthday I can really have an epiphany, or find nirvana or something to become peace with myself and want to change...

As career wise I haven't really changed my mind on what I wanted to do originally was become a fashion designer but I just don't see that anymore...I don't want to become a big name fashion designer. But rather I want to be known/labeled as an artist that involves designing clothes or making art in general and travel the world (or maybe just for right now thats where my head is) but aren't these 'the years of the unknown' the years where you don't really know what you want to do in life or know exactly where your place is in life?...

I just find myself every other day not really using my talent and just sitting here letting it go to waist and I know that my low self-esteem playing big a part of that why I'm not really inspired of course I'm inspired by the things I post on here but bringing my inspiration towards an actual design aspect is my issue. I feel like im fooling myself which is a feeling I don't really like having so lets hope that some time soon I can really get on the ball and start working on the things I really want to change in my life.


SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT FEELS THIS WAY??? 





7 comments:

c x M m . said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
c x M m . said...

Your not the only one. I'm not sure if fashion design is right for me either. I want to be so much more than a label on someones' clothing. I want to be great. (I just don't know how to be.) But hang in there! We'll figure it out & soon! xoxo

♥Chrissy E♥ said...

Wow Reading this Amazes me
Because I posted the same exact scenario on my blog.I am probably late in replying.But I want to let you know that no matter what happens.Keep your head up.Yes "we " both are 19 and yet feeling that the success rocket should have already taken off and our career choices have been mixed.Unsure of what you really want to do,and feeling that the life long dream you wanted.Has suddenly disappeared.But Trust me when I say this .That when everything feels like utter confusion .There will always be a FAR BETTER Opportunity.I wish you the best.You are s unique individual and there is something great for you in store.Cant wait to read more of your posts

ALANNAH said...

thank you so very much Chrissy I'm glad I'm not alone :)

ciesar said...

trust me. you're not the only lost soul.

funopolee said...

That's sounds like a commentry on my life! I'm currently studying Design for Interaction and moving image, in the UK, and it's so true, low self esteem really holds you back. Everyday I wake up and think about all my underachieved goals due to this issue, so it prevents me from working on my current projects. It adds to my procrastination, which makes me late!!

Sometimes I think i've got a fear of being succesful, or could it be the opposit?

I try to be optimistic everyday! (Because once i'm feeling Down, I feel down about everything and nothing will get me out of that mode)

But as I said I try to wake up everyday with optimism, thinking about all the things I want to achieve for that day, and sometimes it helps to motivate me.

Also when I doubt myself as I designer, I think to myself that from a young age I've also had a natural talent and intrest in this field of work so it is definately what i'm ordained to do in life. So this too sometimes motivates me!

Sorry for writting an essay...But I really hope that maybe you can take something from reading this. Honestly wheather you want to be a fashion designer or something else in the art field, just think positive and grab hold of each oppurtunity to experiment with ideas :0)

ALANNAH said...

@Funopolee I completly understand where your coming from I feel the exact same way!!
Thanks for your encouraging words! It really means alot to me! :D